Thursday, April 17, 2014

Heed the Message, (spiritual cleaning) Blog 3

Heed the message spiritual cleansing Blog 3 April 17th, 2014

    This picture was created for a tender anthology Angels Cried    for the Boston Marathon survivors by me for the Indies in Action when the  tragedy occurred last year.

               A wonderful Indie authors and artist community
  I am not advertising, I selected this photo  to show you when  you find the divine spark, also find wonderful compassionate people who crossed your path every day.
  Such as all the warriors out there who care.

Blog 3. 

Today is Thursday of Holy Week, I lay here pondering what to write about to touch other peoples' hearts and souls to desire to help me assist Annie to raise funds to purchase a car, or locate an employer willing to give her a job to earn the money.

Do I write about a dark secret and bring it out into the light to ask for forgiveness for myself when I committed the transgression and released the guilt to the Almighty and his son Jesus Christ. As quoted in the Holy Bible you go to the person say your grievance and ask for forgiveness. If the party does not accept, you go and seek witnesses and once again ask for forgiveness, I am paraphrasing here, will include verse.  

Matthew 18:15-17 ESV / 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

My life has been a roller coaster ride mostly on the dark side starting in my youth. I was the caretaker of my unbalanced parents since my adopted brother left home. I grow up without a childhood, given responsibilities at a tender age. Raised Catholic and planned to keep my virginity until marriage.

But a dark hair lonely abused wounded man came across my path and his sad eyes just blown me away. He was sweet talker, one date to the next, navy enlistment round the corner, ladies you know temptation was knocking on my door and I gave into it. Now unwed and could not go home to daddy, had to get married. 

Definitely not ready, the sweet guy after the ring was put on became a snake in the grass. Thus 15 long years on and off abuse, and two lose babies and three healthy children. I became lost and angry with God and Jesus. Crying out why? Dived into alcoholism and abusing prescription drugs as my escape. Affairs to make him stay away, nothing work, he was in the wings waiting. (Girls please learn the red flags of abuse, meet the family, and tested him before getting attached.)

I wondered where were the angels be it human or spiritual where to open my eyes and whisper do not take this path, you know what was ironic I did hear a whisper years ago not to marry this man, but his broken eyes claimed my heart. After many trails, evictions, homeless, and starting over we separated but he needed a caretaker and we came back together, the violence stopped. I was diagnosed with progressive ms and now he was the caretaker. 

His dad did not approve of our relationship and my choices. He invited his son, I was three month pregnant and should of not gone on a canoe trip early in our marriage. So gullible he asked and I went. The true colors of the dysfunctional family came through on that trip. Boozing and violence. His father did not respect women, I pregnant, thirsty and no water to drink, suffered. 

Was physically and verbally attack by him and his son, words that still trapped me too this day, 28 years later. A rocky relationship, he try to make amends years later, he lost his second to oldest child a son, I felt for him, yet my heart was hardened. As I lost my father to a drunk driver earlier, I was drowning in self pity and rage, could not hear my inner voice to hold on and have faith.

Peace and tolerance reign for awhile between me and the in-laws, but evil reared his head, my wounded pride came out as I lost the baby on that trip and could not easy forgive him or his son, that bitterness ate through my soul and affect my health. His father was trying to bribe us with a new home, and I did not, could not let go of the fury I felt as I felt my second child dying inside in, in a flashback and I reacted impulsively years later by sending a hateful email to him. I was not setting myself up to live in the boon docks, away from civilization with an abuser. Did not accept his terms, he was furious.

In the midst of a bitter crisis I went ballistic and pour out my anger to him in that email, under influence of alcohol, wished I kept that email, oh well. Of course, he retaliated and decided it was time to finally closed the door to his son and daughter in law. Who could blame him. I write this for I have and he has trespassed against me and each other, yet Jesus asks we forgive our enemies. Many wounds between us, deny the children for many years, gave false promises and broken them, yet did help financially at times. Complex relationship.

I wonder did God and Jesus direct my life on this path of difficulties to make me a stronger person, to experience heartache, temptations and recover from them so I could hold someone's hand and relate as they too described their darkest secrets. Became a homeless counselor for ten years and helped many people to live independently in their Section 8 housing. Best job or career I ever had.

As of today I do not have any regrets, no tears, for a spiritual force, real or imaginary is showing me the truth and preparing me to be a messenger and assist the lost. 

Today message help Annie of heed the message gain her peace, to continue on her path, helping others, and do not be afraid to come out of the darkness in front of witnesses. It can be very cleansing to the mind, heart and spirit. Blessings my Children. 

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